Friday, July 1, 2011

Testing the Newbies: Part Two

So they can kill unarmed people tied to chairs. This skill is not all that helpful when it comes to hunting the unworthy. Some unworthy are JUST intelligent enough to know when to run away. Some (very few) also have the intellect to recognize that the man in the mask with a weapon pointed at them is a threat. Thus we have to make sure our beloved brothers and sisters can both keep up with fleeing "Runners" and hide in plain sight. Thus we have...
Test II. The Ability to Hunt
I feel that there should mandatory parkour training for all Chosen. It is VERY helpful in numerous situations. But it takes too long to teach. So we had to settle for generic tests. After that we had to figure out a way to test their ability to stalk their prey. So we picked random people in a crowd and told the newbies to stalk them. Meanwhile, WE would stalk the newbies to see how they are doing.
(Note: Upon examination of this post upon finishing it, I decided that telling you how the Recruits did on the Generic Physical tests would be both counter productive and BORING. So I am simply going to put "Pass" or "Fail" for those Categories instead of a long detailed paragraph about how Tiger and Recluse are fucking strong, Scarecrow is fucking weak and Angmar was rushed to the hospital for passing out after running less than half a mile. Boring stuff really.)
Scarecrow:
    Strength Test- Failed
    Speed Test- Failed
    Endurance Test- Failed
    Agility Test- Passed
    Swimming Test- Passed
    Balance Test- Failed
Stalking Test: Rule number one about stalking your prey is obvious. Do not do anything that will attract attention. Scarecrow, as one might guess, completely ignored that rule in favor of something more... Ominous. Namely he kept the Bag on his head, and walked around hunched over with his cape covering half of his bagface. Laughing as loudly and dramatically as he could. His target noticed fairly quickly and walked into a store. Scarecrow followed and it took all of 3 Minutes for him to come running out of the store saying they threatened to call the police. Needless to say, he Failed.

Terminator:
    Strength Test- Passed
    Speed Test- Passed
    Endurance Test- Passed
    Agility Test- Passed
    Swimming Test- Passed
    Balance Test- Failed
Stalking Test: Termy was assigned a particularly stupid looking target to stalk. That should have been easy for him, right? WRONG.  The target turned out to be a Drug Dealer. I think you can see where this is going. So after Termy made a purchase, (Using OUR money I might add) he realized he was supposed to be STALKING the dealer. So he did the "obvious thing" (His words, not mine). He picked up a really big rock and bashed the guy over the head with it. Apparently, Termy thought this would cause amnesia. Regrettably, it did not. It killed the dealer. Another mess I am going to have to clean up. And by "I", I mean Angmar. Yep. So. Termy Failed.

Jack:
    Strength Test- Passed
    Speed Test- Passed
    Endurance Test- Passed
    Agility Test- Passed
    Swimming Test- Failed (He Refused to take off his Costume)
    Balance Test- Passed
Stalking Test: Failed. FAILED FAILED FAILED FAILED FAILED. Jesus H CHRIST. The moron was supposed to STALK the target not DRAG HER SCREAMING INTO AN ALLEY AND DISEMBOWEL HER. IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. Thank FATHER that the people who overheard the SCREAMING assumed someone else already called the police.  And you people call ME a "Monster" and a "Moron". Jacky Boy FAILS to realize that there is MORE to Mass Murder than simply knifing your victim. There is some artistry to stalking the victims, and then killing the victims in creative ways. Any fool with a knife could do what Jack did. Ah... What has become of Serial Killers these days.

Crouching Tiger:
    Strength Test- Passed
    Speed Test- Passed
    Endurance Test- Passed
    Agility Test- Passed
    Swimming Test- Passed
    Balance Test- Passed
Stalking Test: This one surprised me. I thought Tiger would have been Ninja like in his movements, remaining quiet as a mouse... Instead he shouted "HUNGRY LION STALKS GAZELLE." I am beginning to suspect that this is a compulsion instead of a choice. Fortunately, aside from shouting a few more times whenever he... Walked up some stairs and shit, Tiger did very well. He kept out of sight well when there was not a crowd to mingle with, and he was good and mingling with crowds despite his size. For this... He Passes this test. 

Darkhorse:
    Strength Test- Passed
    Speed Test- Passed
    Endurance Test- Passed
    Agility Test- Passed
    Swimming Test- Passed
    Balance Test- Passed
Stalking Test: At least he is not wearing a bag on his head. This does not change the fact that he looks like he walked off the set of The Matrix. He at least has the common sense to hide the revolvers. He DID however forget to hide his sword. He also failed to blend in with the crowd. He stayed in the open at all times, even when the target took notice that the CREEPY GUY WITH THE SWORD WAS FOLLOWING HER... Oh well. He has more subtlety than most of the Chosen these days. Most of them take the Scarecrow approach. Passing Score.

Dr. Menglina:
    Strength Test- Passed
    Speed Test- Failed
    Endurance Test- Failed
    Agility Test- Passed
    Swimming Test- Passed
    Balance Test- Passed
Stalking Test: I will flat out say it. I am PROUD of Dr. Menglina. She was not wearing Scientist gear, she had god knows how much make-up on, a low cut shirt exposing cleavage, dyed her HAIR a different color and was wearing dark colored clothing. Absolutely perfect. She stayed with crowds the whole way, minus one or two occasions where she starting laughing for no real reason, and stayed a medium distance from her target. She passed.

Gleeman:
    Strength Test- Passed
    Speed Test- Passed
    Endurance Test- Passed
    Agility Test- Passed
    Swimming Test- Passed
    Balance Test- Passed
Stalking Test: KILL IT WITH FIRE. KILL ALL CLOWNS WITH THE PURIFYING FLAMES OF HELL. Pennywise here didn't do BAD I guess. At first anyway. He acted just like a "Good" Clown is supposed to. Handing out Balloon animals, doing stupid things, water squirting flower, Pies to the face... Thus the problem. He attracts WAY too much attention. The Target spent a few minutes just WATCHING him. As he was leaving, Gleeman gave him a parting gift: One of the aforementioned Pies. Only this one... Was a Cyanide Pie. (I am NEVER accepting anything he ever gives me. EVER.) Father can get... Irritated when someone steals his playthings away from him. Thus, while Gleeman makes a perfect assassin, he makes a poor stalker. Failing Score, but this proves that he is VERY useful for distractions.

Baron Samedi:
    Strength Test- Passed
    Speed Test- Passed
    Endurance Test- Passed
    Agility Test- Passed
    Swimming Test- Passed
    Balance Test- Passed
Stalking Test: Would you trust a man wearing a snake around his neck with necklace of shrunken heads and a large top-hat with a skull emblem on it? Yes? What if he was wearing Skull Facepaint and had teeth the color of fucking BIG BIRD. STILL YES? What if he went around shirtless except for a holey black dress jacket, while carrying a Snake Headed Cane. With a Sword in it. Yes? Congratulations. You are probably the person who thought making this man a field agent was a good idea. An A for effort though. He TRIED to stay out of sight while stalking his target. He tried SO hard in fact, that HE LOST THE TARGET. Failed.

Angmar:
    Strength Test- Failed
    Speed Test- Failed
    Endurance Test- Failed (See Above)
    Agility Test- Failed
    Swimming Test- Passed
    Balance Test- Failed
Stalking Test: He was unable to complete the test because of health related issues. Incidentally, when he gets back, I have a SPECIAL job for him that is bound to give him MORE health related issues.

Brown Recluse: 
    Strength Test- Passed
    Speed Test- Passed
    Endurance Test- Passed
    Agility Test- Passed
    Swimming Test- Passed
    Balance Test- Passed
Stalking Test: Some people are just NOT subtle (See Above). They just naturally attention. Recluse is one of those people. Generally she draws the "OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" kind of attention. GREAT for a distraction or a bodyguard. Horrible for stealth. We also picked a poor target for her. One of those easily angered businessman types. It took him about ten minutes to figure out he was being followed. He then CONFRONTED Recluse. Recluse stuffed him in a trash can. We then came by and set it on fire.
This leaves us with only the... Combat testing. Hehehehehehe. You know. To make sure they can beat the average jackass who watches too many Youtube videos (Which according to these statistics I just made up, is 99.7% of you Unworthy) in a fistfight if needed. Also, they need SIGNATURE WEAPONS. Every Good non-mook has a SIGNATURE WEAPON. Tensor, this is where you come in. Because you have actually had some manner of training, you will be the one making sure they can use a SIGNATURE WEAPON. I will handle the hand-to-hand crap and good old Angmar will assist me. After this, Tensor does one final test with the Ten. If they pass her test, they shall be formally added to my Team. What fun we shall have together.  

9 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    That's just too funny. These people, I swear. They sound very amusing. Uncle Riddles wishes he was there to watch. Mwhahahahaha!

    Stay frosty.

    --Ridley

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  2. Pfffft.

    With enemies like these, who needs friends?

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  3. Goody goody. I already have few ideas. I'll get right on it.

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  4. Even my older brother is scarier than Scarecrow...

    Advice for Darkhorse: You can buy one of those tube things to carry big drawing sheets. Useful for med-lengh swords and short swords, and dont call too many attention. However sometimes is unpractical due to the lack of speed in unsheathe.

    Personally I just use a piece of blackcloth that matches with my backpack making people believe is just part of my traveling equipage. You can be pretty creative hiding the 'arma blanca', sometimes you can also adapt the containers to your needs.

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  5. Weapons assigned, and training has begun.

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  6. Hell, looks like I could fight off these jokers any day. Send them at me, Morningstar! I need five more killed proxies to get my body count to fifty!

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  7. Hehe...Hahaha! Half of these people are just boobs. I mean, maybe this Gleeman guy is pretty freaky, but I've seen freakier. These are just jokes!

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  8. The last time I took a test I killed the instructor and made the assistant eat his eyes. Then I made her eat her own eyes. It was a good day.
    Say hello to jack for me.
    -Ferus

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