Thursday, June 30, 2011

Testing the Newbies: Part One

These Ten are meant to be in the same field as I am. Exterminating the Unworthy, unworthy that we have probably never met, and thus we know next to nothing about them. We cannot predict what they are going to do, we cannot say for certain how they think... And often times there are no Chosen nearby with knowledge to assist our efforts. This is a very difficult job and not many are cut out for it. That said, I have little hope that these idiots will be able make the cut. Thus I have devised a few tests for them. Also I am going to try VERY hard to remain professional during these descriptions. I am a Doctor after all.

Test I. The Ability to Kill

As you know, Killing is difficult for some (Some meaning Lily-Livered Spineless Cowards who think that life is precious or some such drivel). Seeing as how many people hesitate when called upon to pull the trigger, I have brought in Ten COMPLETELY random people to kill. Our Ten Trainees were all given guns. Here are the results.

Scarecrow: Mr. Laughton's assigned victim is a 53 year old man we found working in a soup kitchen (Maurice, so sorry if this was one of your friends). "The Master of Fear" spent a few seconds staring out of those idiotic holes in his bag at the Victim. Then he kicked the victim to the floor, and took a half glance at me. I would tell you what his expression was, but he is wearing a FUCKING BAG. WHY IS HE WEARING A FUCKING BAG IT LOOKS SO STUPID WHY IS HE WEARING IT... So he brings out the gun and gently caresses the old man's face with it. I told him to stop messing around, and he pulled the trigger. He did not seem particularly bothered after (Although he was not moving around so... Dramatically after that), so we assign him a Passing Score.

Terminator: Mr. Patrick's assigned victim was fellow Police Officer. It was a pain in the ass to kidnap him I might add. So imagine my annoyance when Garret simply shot him and went back to snorting Cocaine. At this point in time, I am forced to wonder why exactly Mr. Patrick wishes to serve Father. Garret showed no remorse, no hesitation and I doubt he even realized he shot a man. Sad what drugs do to you, eh? Passing Score.

Jack: Mr. Dolensky is obviously a killer. I wanted how far he would go. So I picked a 5 Year Old little girl. Golden Blonde hair in Pigtails. She was perfectly content in the little pink chair we got for her, snacking on a large piece of Candy. One of those big swirly sucker things I hate so much. Anyway, I understand that people have a hard time killing kids. Angmar actually blurted out "Dude she's just a kid!" when we brought her out. She looked up at Jack and smiled a big old smile. What did Jack do? He removed all the bullets from the gun, lovingly, one by one. Then he proceeded to club her over the head with it over and OVER and OVER again. He cracked that little twerp's head RIGHT OPEN. There was BLOOD and bits of skull laying around and he STILL wasn't finished. He broke that sucker and tried STABBING HER WITH IT. Needless to say, I am VERY pleased with this one. Passing Score.

Crouching Tiger: Mr. Ishikura was presented with an 89 year old woman. I held high hopes for Tiger after seeing Jack's glorious work. I was slightly disappointed. Without changing expressions, Tiger dropped the gun, walked behind the woman and screamed "CURIOUS OCTOPUS OPENS VALVE" before snapping the Hag's neck. I confess I have never seen that done outside of movies. Interesting sound, but it is too quick, for my tastes. Tiger then did the whole "Shut the eyes of the deceased" thing while muttering a... Prayer or something. Waste of time. Passing Score. Boring.

Darkhorse: Mr. Wesker was presented with one "Chris Grayson," a random hobo we found on the street who claims he could shatter boulders with his "fists of JUSTICE." Clearly this man must have been one of the candidates for Proxyhood. Anyway, true to douchebagish form, Slade is a show-off.  First he delivered an uppercut to Grayson, and then using the Katana he cut off the Hobo's head. He Promptly kicked it in the air and blew holes in it with the Revolvers. Both of them. At the same time. How many years has this man wasted learning this skill?  Does not matter I suppose. Passing Score.

Dr. Menglina: Dr. Ingle was presented with a 25 year old male we found wandering a College Campus. Drunk of course.  Dr. Ingle was lisenced medical professional. This gives her the added bonus of knowing how to kill a person in a very efficient manner. Right? Well she sure did not show it. She just sawed the bastard's head off. She actually stopped midway through to have a giggle fit. I suppose I am just being critical for the sake of being critical at this point. Because while I LOVED this performance, it shows a critical weakness of hers. She had to stop what she was doing to have a GIGGLE FIT. Maybe that's why she is not allowed to practice medicine. She was performing surgery on someone and then had a fucking giggle fit in the middle of it. Passing Score.

Gleeman: What drives a man to become the psychotic, horrific, malevolent, godless, demonic spawn of Satan known as a Clown? And what drives a Clown to murder in the name of God? Were I to guess, I would say... Children. So we brought in a skinny little orphan brat. Gleeman took one look at him and started laughing his unholy ass off. Did I mention he uses helium? AND DID I MENTION I HATE CLOWNS... Anyway. He tossed away our gun, and pulled out two revolvers. He started juggling them in front of the kid. The kid was squirming around and crying so I assume he has prior experience with people wielding guns. The Juggling went on for about... Oh... Three minutes. He never dropped the guns. Not once. Impressive. And Terrifying. So he finally stopped and pointed the gun at the kid. He pulled the trigger.... And a "BANG!" Flag came out. Gleeman started waving that flag around while laughing, and the Kid was sort of laughing along with him. Just as I was going to get the nerve to tell the Freak to shoot the kid, he pointed the Gun at the Kid and the FUCKING FLAG SHOT OUT INTO THE KID'S CHEST. The Kid fell over and the clown bent down and got right in his face, LAUGHING. Passing Score. And I need to change my pants now.

Baron Samedi: Mr. Lincoln was next, and I was not expecting much. He seemed more stable than most of the others so I expected a quick clean kill. Imagine my surprise when a GODDAMN SNAKE CRAWLED OUT OF HIS SLEEVE. Is it poisonous? I have no idea. The Victim is a 20 year old male we found wandering the streets. The Baron let his pet snake crawl over the victim for a minute or two.  (A Side note, I think Scarecrow is taking notes here. Master of Fear my ass.) So, Sammy pulled out a big ass knife and started stabbing the guy lightly chanting some bullshit in a language I do not understand. Passing Score. Snakes are awesome.

Angmar: Mr... "Raogrimm" HAHAHAHA... Sorry. Barash... No that is stupid too. How about... Barry. Yes... So, it was finally Barry's turn and we had something special for him. We scoured the city for about an hour before we found a 5'3 Man who we promptly dressed like Frodo Baggins.  We also spent some time making that Replica Sword of his into a REAL Sword. That can KILL people. As expected, Barry gave us some trouble. "Uh... So who is this guy?" Seriously. He asked who our random victim was. We sure as hell didn't know.  He walked up to the victim. OH. And the Victim, he noticed all the bloodstains on the ground... He was SHAKING like a leaf. It was so adorable. Crying and everything. So, Barry approached him, sword in hand. "Uh... Frodo, right? Shouldn't we... You know. Remove the mithril shirt?" CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY? HAHAHAHAHA. Stalling. Just to humor him, we took off the guy's shirt. Barry started visably sweating and going "I dunno man, I dunno man"... Then Jack yelled "DON'T BE A PUSSY!" at him. I love Jack so much sometimes. Malacoda starting banging on the table he was at chanting "KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!" and the rest of us (minus Darkhorse, Tiger and Terminator) joined in. Barry started breathing heavily, raised his sword above his head, gave a yell... And was met with screams of joy and shouts of congratulations at the Hobbit head rolled to the ground. For someone so fat, he is remarkably strong. Passing Score. (Also noticed Tiger put a hand on his shoulder when he rejoined the group. Such a nice guy. I am keeping this in mind for the next test.)

Brown Recluse:  RAGH. LADY-HULK SMASH! Which is exactly what happened. Ms. Campos was given a 24 year old man to kill. Without saying a word, she picked up the man, and the chair he was tied to and started smashing them into the ground. Over and over and over again. Then she started smacking him into the walls. Needless to say, he died. She then flexed and walked back to the others. This warehouse is being... Borrowed. It was white when we got here... Now it is Red. She is cleaning this mess up. All of it. Still, she got the job done so... Passing Score.

And that concludes Test 1. I am very proud of our new recruits. They are complete psychopaths. Tomorrow we shall see if they can pass the physical challenges I have for them. Then they shall have to pass the Combat Challenges... Then Tensor gets them. And I get the survivors. Oh What fun we shall have. 

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Where do we find these people?

Seriously. I thought I would have to get creative in coming up with names for these weirdos. Turns out my work has already been done for me. I got Ten Agents. Now I have only one question. Where did we find these people. Because I am going to burn that place to the ground. Tensor. Redlight. Valtiel. Which of you is responsible for this... These people so much wrong with them I just... God. JESUS CHRIST IN HEAVEN, WHY DO THESE PEOPLE EXIST? Not EVERY Chosen has to be an escaped MENTAL Patient...
Well. Here they are...
Name: Jonathan Laughton
Chosen Name: Scarecrow
This guy is just sad. He walked into the Warehouse with a large brown BAG on his head with eye-holes and a big stupid GRIN drawn on. After I recovered from nearly passing out from laughter, I asked him the obvious question: "Are you made of Straw?" He said "No. I AM THE MASTER OF FEAR! (I would say Rip-off, but... Well you'll see) TERROR INCARNATE!" He said this in the most dramatic way possible while gesturing wildly. For this, I applaud him. My Overacting skills PALE in comparison to a Ham this Large. What is his weapon of choice you might ask? Well. In his own words: "I NEED NO WEAPON BUT THE SHARPNESS OF MY MIND. I... AM A GAWD OF PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE. THE GREAT LORD OF THE WOODS WILL BENEFIT IMMENSELY FROM MY SKILLS!" He said with a flourish of the cape I just noticed, while screaming at the top of his lungs.
Shockingly enough, this guy is not the weirdest of the group.
Name: Garret Patrick
Chosen Name: The Terminator
This guy is not as bad as Bagman was. He seemed fairly normal when he walked in. But we do not seem to get a lot of normal people do we. Garret apparently WAS a police officer. A Highly corrupt one at that. He was kicked off the Police force for possession of Cocaine and... Well that is his major flaw. The man seems to snort so much Cocaine that even SLICE (May Father watch over his soul) would likely find it to be absurd. The man cannot keep still, and keeps reaching into a little baggy for more...  So he told me his Chosen name was "Terminator." Policeman. Terminator. T-1000. Ha. Ha. Ha. Unoriginal, but at least he has training.  The Cocaine will also help him forget when he gets shot. Maybe we can get him to go Tony Montana on some Unworthy.
I would have prefered a big Austrian guy though.
Name: John Dolensky
Chosen Name: Jack the Ripper
I am not a subtle person. Everyone knows it. CANADA sure knows it. But I do not go around shanking random people on the streets in broad daylight. Thus I was not pleased to see Jack had brought a body with him with no less than 12 Operator Symbols cut into it. Oh well. At least the guy knows how to kill. The Problem is, the person he killed was BLIND. As only a BLIND person could be caught off guard by a man wearing a top-hat, opera cape, fluffy victorian era coat and a GOLD HALF-MASK WITH A MONOCLE. This idiot even talked with a horrible mock British accent. So, I asked him first what his body count was. He said... I think... "Hark I hast butchered yond three of these poor sods. Dost thou haveth yond place to store hither body?"
Why does this man exist? Why?
Name: Johnson Ishikura
Chosen Name: Crouching Tiger
An Asian Kung-Fu guy. Surely this guy must fairly stable right? He looks pretty badass. Fu Machu mustache, spiked up hair, 6'5 Height. Face is even fixed in a perma-glare. How could that NOT be an excellent addition to the team? We asked him to show us some Kung-Fu moves. Crouching Tiger, is not only his Chosen name, but the name of his favorite attack. WHICH HE SCREAMS VERY LOUDLY AS HE IS PERFORMING IT. He has a bad case of Dragon Ball Z Syndrome. He calls EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Of his actions. CROUCHING TIGER STRIKE, IRON MONKEY FIST, STRIKING COBRA STRIKE, GOLDEN JAGUAR KICK, SWEEPING PANTHER STRIKE, ANGRY CROW TAKES FLIGHT, HORNY DOG HUMPS AIR... Yeah I made that last one up, but the rest he actually did/said.
He is going to get real annoying, real quick.
Name: Slade Wesker
Chosen Name: Darkhorse
This guy pissed me off the moment I saw him. Sunglasses, a black leather trenchcoat, black cowboy hat with little silver dangly things, openly carried revolvers and a KATANA. This man is a douchebag. According to him, he is serving Father because of some shit about wanting to kill his little brother. I do not CARE. His voice pissed me off too. Talked like he was trying to seduce me or something. He immediately went to a dark corner of the warehouse to brood or something.
Name: Elizabeth Ingle
Chosen Name: Dr. Menglina
Well Great. Two Days after I become a Doctor and we get ANOTHER Doctor. Granted this one did not STEAL her degree, but the issue stands. When she walked into the Warehouse I came to the realization that we had become Comic Book Villains. And here was perhaps the most generic Mad Scientist Archetype you could possibly imagine. Lab Coat, Rubber Gloves, Stethoscope, Goggles, messed up hair, bipolar with a tendency to laugh at random intervals, carrying syringes filled with FATHER knows what and a GODDAMN HACKSAW.  At this point, I gave up on the questions and just beckoned for her to stand with the others so I could take this horrific scene in.
Name: Casey McMullen
Chosen Name: Gleeman
I fucking hate clowns I FUCKING HATE CLOWNS I FUCKING HATE CLOWNS. With their painted on faces, creepy ass unnatural laughs and smiles... And now we have the spawn of Pennywise and GACY on our side. Freak of nature. All sorts of weird ass Clown tricks too. Shooting fire out of his ass and shit. Some seeming skill with throwing daggers. AND A GODDAMN CHAINSAW...
I am getting this bastard killed. Somehow. Maybe he will take a target with him.
Name : Tyrone Lincoln
Chosen Name: Baron Samedi
This guy actually made me remember something. That guy we used the Zombie Powder on in Jersey... Well we forgot to unbury him. Oops. I'm sure he is fine. But the good Baron is dressed like a cross between Dr. Facilier, and Jack Skellington. Claims to know all sorts of Voodoo stuff. At least he is not a clown. He does have a prior criminal record in the state we are in. Attempted Murder. Aside from the fact he looks about as trustworthy as Skeletor... He is not all THAT bad.
Name: Barash Raogrimm (I am DEAD Serious. Legally Changed in 2007... What the Fuck...)
Chosen Name: Angmar
We have a nerd dressed as a Ringwraith. A Fat bearded nerd. How is this man supposed to be helpful to Father's cause? He is a whiner, I can tell that just by looking at him. Does not know how to use that VERY DULL sword of his. If it was not for the fact he did not show too much surprise at seeing a dead body in here, I would think he is just a lost Roleplayer. But no. He legitamately wants to kill for Father. 
This is going to be a long week...
Name: Isabela Campos
Chosen Name: Brown Recluse
I am probably going to be referring to this woman as "Roid Rage" from now on. She is almost as giant as Crouching Tiger. Based on what little information I have, she was a disgraced Lucha Libre wrestler. Fresh from the insane asylum no doubt... She walked in here in full wrestler get-up with her own weird ass mask. Oh well. At least she seems competent at crushing things. More than can be said for the Bitch-King of Angmar over there.
So there you have it. Ten new suicidal lemmings to throw at the Unworthy. Sagey, lets make a deal. You come here and do your Satanic demon summoning shit to kill a few of these wackos, and I will not go burn Forgemaster's house down again like I planned to. Deal?

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Doctor Morningstar

So we broke into this guy's house and he had a D.S.W. Degree thingy. So we took it, applied a little white-out, and BAM. I am a DOCTOR now. Now all that is left is for me to get a nice fancy mask of sorts and an ominous cape, and my LIFE'S GOAL will be complete.
In other news, I am being conscripted to test a few new recruits out. Make sure they can handle an important job like this. Obviously I will also have to assign them new NAMES like mine. DOCTOR Morningstar. Ooooh I love it I love it I love it. Doctor Morningstar, Doctor Morningstar, DOCTOR MORNINGSTAR HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh... A shame the new blood will never be able to have a Name as awesome as mine. And they will probably not survive the training. HEY. As a favor from me to you, how about I tell you what kind of training we go through these days? Wouldn't that be nice of me? So what do you say, want me to tell you?

 Revised to-do list.

1. Serve Father.
2. Set an Orphanage on Fire.
3. Harass the Sages.
4. Recruit more Children to our Cause.
5. Send said children on suicide missions against Unworthy who do not kill children.
6. Find a replacement for Killer. Any Volunteers?
7. Flag Youtube Videos.
7.5 Keep Team 4-Star and Little Kuriboh off of Youtube.
8. Practice Laugh.
9. Initiate Operation Insano.
10. Throw Water Balloons at a certain Hospital.
11. Gut that amateur Arkady. AFTER he buys me that Bicycle he promised.
12. Learn to play Piano.
13. Thirteen is unlucky.
14. Have a Wizard's Duel with Sagey. I cast bullet lvl .45
15. Steal candy from a baby. Shoot said baby out of a catapult at the aforementioned Hospital. (We have the Baby and the Catapult now)
16. Kill whatever is causing these weird ass dreams. The most recent one had me killed TWICE. And also Vandalizing Maduin's mask, GOD that was funny.
17. Shoot Thage. Drag corpse around a city three times while on a Horse.
19. Initiate Project Quackerjack
20. Train Recruits
21. Compare Body Count to famous Serial Killers to see where I stand.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

My latest plans

It seems to be rather slow right now, and I need amusement. Thus Project Quakerjack, and Operation Insano. Operation Insano is the product of one of my life long goals: to be a Doctor. But how does one become a Doctor? Well. The obvious way, simply put, is to steal someone's doctorate degree. Which is exactly what I am going to do. Once that is done, I shall use my new Sciencey Doctor powers to initiate Project Quackerjack. It is a brilliant plan to create yet another glorious weapon for Father's arsenal. We shall take a host of Rubber Duckies, and plant EXPLOSIVES in them. We shall use them like Grenades... Victims will be too entranced by their cuddly plastic visages to run away from the explosion. It is a FOOL-PROOF plan. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Am I not a genius?

Revised to-do list.
1. Serve Father.
2. Set an Orphanage on Fire. (We're eatin' GOOD tonight)
3. Harass the Sages.
4. Recruit more Children to our Cause.
5. Send said children on suicide missions against Unworthy who do not kill children.
6. Find a replacement for Killer. Any Volunteers?
7. Flag Youtube Videos.
7.5 Keep Team 4-Star and Little Kuriboh off of Youtube.
8. Practice Laugh.
9. Initiate Operation Insano.
10. Throw Water Balloons at a certain Hospital.
11. Gut that amateur Arkady.
12. Learn to play Pipe Organ.
13. Thirteen is unlucky.
14. Have a Wizard's Duel with Sagey. I cast bullet lvl .45
15. Steal candy from a baby. Shoot said baby out of a catapult at the aforementioned Hospital.
16. Shoot down a certain Helicopter. I don't care if it was a dream or not.
17. Shoot Thage. Drag corpse around a city three times while on a Horse.
19. Initiate Project Quackerjack

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

My Glorious Return

Finally I am out of Lumberjack Land! I could kiss the ground. In fact I have. I have already celebrated my return by drowning a bag of puppies, and sneaking into a nursing home, then turning off some old people's oxygen. HeheheheheHAHAHAHAHA. I even lit one fire and pushed his wheel chair down some stairs. HA. It is good to be back. But where to now? I have received no more orders. Maybe I should finally get around to making that To-Do list... Ok Here goes.
1. Serve Father.
2. Set an Orphanage on Fire.
3. Harass the Sages.
4. Recruit more Children to our Cause.
5. Send said children on suicide missions against Unworthy who do not kill children.
6. Find a replacement for Killer. Any Volunteers? Found One.
7. Flag Youtube Videos.
7.5 Keep Team 4-Star and Little Kuriboh off of Youtube.
8. Practice Laugh.
9. ???
10. Throw Water Balloons at a certain Hospital.
11. Gut that amateur Arkady.
12. Learn to play Spanish Guitar.
13. Thirteen is unlucky.
14. Have a Wizard's Duel with Sagey. I cast bullet lvl .45.
15. Steal candy from a baby. Shoot said baby out of a catapult at the aforementioned Hospital.
16. Shoot down a certain Helicopter. I don't care if it was a dream or not.
17. Shoot Thage. Drag corpse around a city three times while on a Horse.
Regrettably. All of this must be done without my precious Slendermobile. It was confiscated by the higher ups to be mass produced or something. For important missions. BUT THE ORIGINAL IS BEST. We even gave it a beautiful periwinkle blue paint job. Complete with Operator Symbols to look badass. Probably some blood stains though. But hey, Red/Brown and Periwinkle match. Right?

Sunday, June 19, 2011


You are the best Father in the world. We love you so much. We made a present for you, from the flesh and bones of your lost Children, so that they may never be forgotten. We hope you like it.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

I Love the Smell of Burnt Flesh in the Morning

Smells like... Bacon. I feel like bragging right now, so I will tell you exactly how the attack happened.
At around 12:10 AM we drove up to the mansion and found the gates open and the power out. Our insiders linked up with us and entered the Slendermobile. The night shift guards were slower to respond than expected. So we set one of the buildings inside the courtyard on fire. That woke them up. Upon rushing out to see what the hell is going on, I think they shit themselves. Then we shot them. Then ran over their corpses. The Sound was lovely. Like Rice Crispy Treats. Anyway. We spent the next few minutes burning the people dumb enough not to run, out of cover. After I was satisfied we killed most of them, we exited the Slendermobile.
Imagine it, if you will. Buildings set ablaze with smoke flying high in the night sky. The Fire's roar matched only by the wails of those not yet dead. On the ground is a man, shot and bleeding out with his legs crushed by a Metal Monstrosity. He weeps for his children, who he will never see again, he screams his wife's name in vain. Before being silenced by my boot.
We entered the Mansion proper, and began our search for Mr. Goldman. Strangely, no security made it into the building. Lots of Fancy looking things were adorning the walls, vases and other Rich People shit. Everything had a Tarot Card motif. We finally found Goldman on the fifth floor. Then began perhaps the strangest conversation I have ever had in my entire life
 Goldman: I've been waiting for you. Friends.
(He has possibly the strangest voice I have ever heard. Like a Robot or something)
Morningstar: HEY It's Goldboy. HI GOLDBOY.
Malacoda: What do you mean you were waiting for us?
G: Puppets of the Faceless Emperor. Do you know why you are to kill me?
MS: Because you are incredibly hideous and it would be doing the world a favor?
(He goes off on a tangent here about Humanity's Sin in disturbing the Loife (As he pronounces it) Cycle. I tuned him out. He is completely out of his mind.)
(Goldman then walked towards the window and opened it)
G: The Faceless Emperor will destroy mankind. He will destroy You. But he will not destroy me. Farewell friends.
He jumps out the window at this point. The funniest part is, the ground team found that he was still alive. Knocked out cold and with some broken bones. But alive.
We then decided to search the Mansion for anything we liked. Lots of shiny things, and believe me, I LOVE Shiny things. But there was this music box I found... Something about that melody speaks to my soul. Goldman won't be needing it anymore, that is for sure.
We also found Goldman's daughter hiding in a closet. Now we couldn't just leave the poor girl there alone, so we took her with us. We are going to make her one of us... Then she is going to perform that Rat torture I talked about earlier on her dear Daddy.
Once Goldboy is dead, I am getting the hell out of Canada. The Police are looking for us after the farm slaughter. My God I feel homesick.

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Slendermobile

I believe I mentioned getting the inspiration for this weapon by reading a Cracked Article. This is that article:
The Killdozer. A marvelous invention. For those of you too lazy to click the link, The Killdozer is basically a tank. And now I GET TO RIDE IN ONE. THINK of the CARNAGE that will ensue! We even made a few additions. LIKE FLAMETHROWERS. And a paint job. We even gave it a name: "THE SLENDERMOBILE."
I wish the others could see it.
ANYWAY. Here is the plan. We are going to drive the thing up to the gate, and our inside guys will make sure it is open. Then we light the place up. LEAD, FIRE AND THE SCREEEEAMS OF THE UNWORTHY WILL FILL THE AIR!!!
After clearing out the courtyard, all but three of us will leave the Slendermobile. Naturally any remaining security will probably try to kill us at this point, so the Slendermobile will give us cover and covering fire. We will then make our way into the Goldman Mansion and make up for not being able to torture the BITCH. Gotta say, we could use a little bit of fun after last nights FAILURE.
Wish us luck kids.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Worthless Bitch

Three more died last night. Three more Chosen. My FRIENDS. Before Yesterday our number was 13. Now we are but 9... Graffiacane, Cagnazzo, Rubicante, Ciriatto... May your souls rest in Heaven with Father.
This may be my fault in some way. When I heard that BITCH killed Graffiacane, I sort of freaked out and ordered an attack. The Twelve of us, filled with rage, descended upon the farm shortly before Midnight. I did not expect any real resistance, so I had half of us go after the animals, while the rest of us were to attack the people. They were waiting for us it seems. They started shooting, we shot back. Needing a distraction, I decided to Light up the Night. So I set their barn on fire. Upon returning to the battlefield, I discovered Cagnazzo and Rubicante dead, along with two of the defenders. I saw Ciriatto fall next, with Malacoda promptly avenging him. SHE was around, I could tell. I did not see her, but she was nearly as easy to find as one of us.
It was about this time I realized that this was not a good idea. We fell back, and I stopped by the barn to make SURE all the things inside were dead or dying. I was followed in by an older man. Bastard was surprisingly tough, but he went down nonetheless. Then, as I looked back towards the entrance of the barn, guess who I saw?  She started shooting at me, so I was forced to escape out the back of the barn. 
What a disaster. We spent all morning giving the fallen a proper burial. We should not have attacked so quickly.... We did not have a plan, there was a full moon out, we were pissed off and thus stupid... The slaughter likely means I need to get the hell out of Canada now. If that Goddamn weapon is not there when I make it back to the Goldman Estate, I am going to just say FUCK IT, and leave.
Cagnazzo, Rubicante, Ciriatto... I am Sorry. Graffiacane, we WILL Avenge you.
Addendum: I also need to see to it that the Chosen who was ASSIGNED to the Bitch is punished for not assisting us. The Coward was nearby, but he ran away.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

To Hell with this.

"There has been a delay, we will get the weapon to you tomorrow."
The next day: "There has been a delay, we will get the weapon to you tomorrow."
The next goddamn day: "There has been a delay, we will get the weapon to you tomorrow."
When it gets here, I am going to use the damn thing on the IDIOTS who are supposed to be bringing it. But seeing as how this might take a while, I had better find something to amuse myself with. I have been putting it off for SO long, you know. Just so Haku-Chan could get worried for a while. So, we are going to go see Haku-Chan's little girlfriend and perform a mercy kill on her. God (Father) KNOWS she needs it BADLY. But I gotta say, it was so much FUN fucking with her like this. Plus now I know their friendship is nice and strong. That way, when I end it, it will hurt all the more.
As for the torture of the day... I am thinking... Aside from whatever beating we give her to knock her out and then move her to a Happy Fun Chamber... We yank out some teeth, Slice off a few body parts (We need something to send to Haku-Chan as a present after all)... Leave her locked up in a room with Justin Bieber music... Put on a puppet show for her with her Family's heads (Including the Animals). OH. And Waterboarding. I love THAT.  Hmm. May also leave her in Solitary for a few days as well. So we have enough time to unleash the Weapon. Foot Roasting maybe... Never fond of that one.
Oh. How about this one... And I have never used it before but always wanted to: Rats. We have some starving rats. I understand that they used to torture people tying them to the floor, and then by cutting slits in the stomach and then letting the rats run wild. They would then begin to EAT the Intestines, leading a slow agonizing death. What do you think? Should I use that to finish her off?

Friday, June 10, 2011

Update on the Secret Weapon

It should be finished tomorrow. Then comes our second problem: Getting the Goddamn thing up here. They built the thing in Illinois and I am in fucking Hockey Land. This thing would attract a LOT of attention from border officials.  The Good News however is, border officials are as easily bribe-able as anyone else. And if we have the money to BUILD one of these things, we SURE as hell have the money to pay a few people to look the other way. And everyone involved is excited to test this thing out.
But we do have some bad news from the Goldman Estate. Mr. McGivern is actually moving against our spies. Now, we do not actually need them in there anymore, but it is beneficial for us to know what is going on inside that place. So I am going to have one of the spies start "slipping up" to draw attention away from the other spies. Naturally I cannot make it too obvious, otherwise it McGivern could figure out what we are really doing. Aren't I SMART. Hehehehehehehe.
Also I found this LOVELY new Blouse. In the woods. Because there is no store for several miles... Or should I say kilometers here. It PERFECTLY matches my new DRESS and HIGH HEELS and TIARA that I bought off of a rich squirrel (Cost me my nuts though, what a fucking rip-off). It's got a mysterious stain in it though. I wonder where that came from.

Monday, June 6, 2011

A Post for Waiting

You know, I have always wondered what all those Slasher movie villains do when they are not stalking and murdering people. I think I know the answer. They sit on their asses and WAIT. Waiting is perhaps the worst thing in the world. I hate it. You unworthy have it real lucky sometimes you know that? Constant action. Father could appear at any time and drag you screaming all the way down to hell. But for us, the Chosen? We have to wait for the Ok to do ANYTHING. The Hallowed don't mind this because they don't really mind ANYTHING anymore. But Agents? We have to amuse ourselves somehow. I'm halfway considering watching fucking Television. I never do that. Well aside from the news and the weather and all that important shit.
A pity Cartoon Network does not have anything GOOD on anymore. Travel Channel just makes me hungry. Chiller isn't scary anymore. The History Channels are nice though, if a bit boring at times. Disney has become shit.
I could always read a book. The problem is, while I am sure there are plenty in the Goldman Estate, I do not have any HERE. Same problem with movies.
I KNOW the secret weapon will take time to build and ship up here. The guy who built it the first time around took three months. The difference between him and us? We have manpower and a budget. We are also going to add a few things on... Like paint. I wonder if we should paint Operator Symbols on it, just for the hell of it. We also might want to make the thing move faster... I hear that the original was ungodly slow. A pity they already shot down my idea for a knife gun. You know. A Gun that shoots knives. Huh... Maybe they go for a carrot gun then?
Ah.. Anyway, the thing should be done within the week. Should. Until then... OH. I'M GONNA GO SHOPPING.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Plans A, B and C Failed Miserably... But that is OK.

The moment Goldman got words of another Unworthy begging for help, he immediately told poor Temperantia to piss off or be shot. In less polite terms that is. Plan B cannot happen because there ARE no supply trucks. There is a supply HELICOPTER. Plan C is apparently impossible, or so they tell me anyway. But it turns out we don't have to do Plan D.
I at first thought... Hey. Didn't the PTC send a bunch of idiots into The Path of Black Leaves? And that bunch of idiots was armed with their... Laser Rifle thingies. So I asked if we could use the lasers because OBVIOUSLY those PTC grunts will not be needing them anymore. I was told: No. Not "No, but convince me you need them REALLY badly" No. The "No and if you ask again I am going to personally disembowel your psychotic ass here and now" kind of No.
So then I decided to drown my sorrows by reading articles on Cracked. Then I saw something. The Shining Solution to my problems. I went back to the Higher Ups with inspiration for a new idea. And they LOVED it. So they are going to make it happen, and give it to me to Test on Mr. Goldman's estate. What is it you may ask? It is a surprise. A lovely beautiful armored surprised. OOOH THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN.
The downside of course, is I will have to wait a few days. They are devoting a good bit of Man-Power to this. And it will be totally worth it.

So Much for Easy Targets

Our new target (You know, I seem to be getting a new one every couple days. The Other Chosen take forever to get a new target... Am... Am I doing something wrong?) is some wealthy asshole by the name of Ozwell Goldman, who has been haunted by Father for about three months now. My understanding is that his daughter, Louisa, introduced him to Father, and thus began a long and frightening journey into paranoia and insanity. Make a damn good book wouldn't it? But as they say, all good things must come to an end. I represent the closing chapter of numerous untold stories. This one shall not be any different. Though it will be... More difficult I fear.
Paranoia+Wealth= Lots of Security. I have been told that the man, has a large force of security guards, at least three of which are fellow Chosen, assorted security cameras, guard dogs, and an underground bunker with "enough supplies to last a year." And somehow or another. Me, my thirteen fellow Chosen and the eight Chosen already tormenting Mr. Goldman have to circumvent ALL these defenses and put an end to him. WHAT. FUCKING. FUN. Twenty One Chosen versus what looks to ME like a damn fortress. REDLIGHT HIMSELF WOULD HAVE TROUBLE WITH THESE ODDS. But it gets WORSE. The Head of Goldman's Security, an Ex-Mountie named Leon McGivern, SUSPECTS our three insiders of being not who they say they are.
I am not one to complain about being ordered to murder someone, but THIS... THIS IS GODDAMN SUICIDE... So I have a few plans to try. First, we will send one of us to the Goldman Estate under the pretense of being one of you Unworthy. We'll see if he/she is let in. If that fails, plan B involves sneaking on board a supply truck disguised as... Cardboard Boxes or something. Plan C is trickier. I need to get my hands on a GIANT SLINGSHOT and as many Sticks of Dynamite as possible. In the event that Plan C cannot happen... Tackle fucking everything. Hell. It's all we would have left at that point...

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Bianca lacked the "Will" to Survive

FINALLY. I FINALLY got Naomi off my back. Lovely little trap set up, and sprung on my dear pursuers. I GOTTA say, the two of them put up quite a fight. A shame I was only able to kill off Bianca. I shudder to think what might have happened had there been anyone else at the ambush. Like WILL. Maybe if he was there, poor Bianca wouldn't be in the sad state she is in right now. Innit that right Bianca?
Oh fine. Don't answer my question. So damn rude. And don't say decapitation is an excuse... Because it is not. But seriously, wasn't Will getting... I don't know... Martial Arts training or some shit? Yet he seems to be spending his time RUNNING AWAY LIKE A GODDAMN COWARD. Coward? OH. I GET IT NOW. HAHAHAHA. THAT'S WHY HE DID NOT ACCOMPANY NAOMI AND BIANCA. He was too CHICKEN. Oh MAN this is too Funny.
And my GOD Naomi. What happened that confidence you had? Running scared and begging for that WORTHLESS coward to come to your rescue. Oooh. I am almost embarrassed that you were one of the Chosen at one time. Heh. Then again at least you were defeated by someone like ME as opposed to some worthless, tiny witch like some OTHER Chosen I know. It almost feels like a waste of time chasing after you Naomi. All that would gain is the death of a pathetic traitor and a coward (assuming he isn't too busy pissing himself in fear to answer your plea for help). I have more important, not to mention formidable, prey to hunt.
So all in all it has been a good day. HOW ARE YOU, ALL MY FOLLOWERS.
Oh and Will: