Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Where do we find these people?

Seriously. I thought I would have to get creative in coming up with names for these weirdos. Turns out my work has already been done for me. I got Ten Agents. Now I have only one question. Where did we find these people. Because I am going to burn that place to the ground. Tensor. Redlight. Valtiel. Which of you is responsible for this... These people so much wrong with them I just... God. JESUS CHRIST IN HEAVEN, WHY DO THESE PEOPLE EXIST? Not EVERY Chosen has to be an escaped MENTAL Patient...
Well. Here they are...
Name: Jonathan Laughton
Chosen Name: Scarecrow
This guy is just sad. He walked into the Warehouse with a large brown BAG on his head with eye-holes and a big stupid GRIN drawn on. After I recovered from nearly passing out from laughter, I asked him the obvious question: "Are you made of Straw?" He said "No. I AM THE MASTER OF FEAR! (I would say Rip-off, but... Well you'll see) TERROR INCARNATE!" He said this in the most dramatic way possible while gesturing wildly. For this, I applaud him. My Overacting skills PALE in comparison to a Ham this Large. What is his weapon of choice you might ask? Well. In his own words: "I NEED NO WEAPON BUT THE SHARPNESS OF MY MIND. I... AM A GAWD OF PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE. THE GREAT LORD OF THE WOODS WILL BENEFIT IMMENSELY FROM MY SKILLS!" He said with a flourish of the cape I just noticed, while screaming at the top of his lungs.
Shockingly enough, this guy is not the weirdest of the group.
Name: Garret Patrick
Chosen Name: The Terminator
This guy is not as bad as Bagman was. He seemed fairly normal when he walked in. But we do not seem to get a lot of normal people do we. Garret apparently WAS a police officer. A Highly corrupt one at that. He was kicked off the Police force for possession of Cocaine and... Well that is his major flaw. The man seems to snort so much Cocaine that even SLICE (May Father watch over his soul) would likely find it to be absurd. The man cannot keep still, and keeps reaching into a little baggy for more...  So he told me his Chosen name was "Terminator." Policeman. Terminator. T-1000. Ha. Ha. Ha. Unoriginal, but at least he has training.  The Cocaine will also help him forget when he gets shot. Maybe we can get him to go Tony Montana on some Unworthy.
I would have prefered a big Austrian guy though.
Name: John Dolensky
Chosen Name: Jack the Ripper
I am not a subtle person. Everyone knows it. CANADA sure knows it. But I do not go around shanking random people on the streets in broad daylight. Thus I was not pleased to see Jack had brought a body with him with no less than 12 Operator Symbols cut into it. Oh well. At least the guy knows how to kill. The Problem is, the person he killed was BLIND. As only a BLIND person could be caught off guard by a man wearing a top-hat, opera cape, fluffy victorian era coat and a GOLD HALF-MASK WITH A MONOCLE. This idiot even talked with a horrible mock British accent. So, I asked him first what his body count was. He said... I think... "Hark I hast butchered yond three of these poor sods. Dost thou haveth yond place to store hither body?"
Why does this man exist? Why?
Name: Johnson Ishikura
Chosen Name: Crouching Tiger
An Asian Kung-Fu guy. Surely this guy must fairly stable right? He looks pretty badass. Fu Machu mustache, spiked up hair, 6'5 Height. Face is even fixed in a perma-glare. How could that NOT be an excellent addition to the team? We asked him to show us some Kung-Fu moves. Crouching Tiger, is not only his Chosen name, but the name of his favorite attack. WHICH HE SCREAMS VERY LOUDLY AS HE IS PERFORMING IT. He has a bad case of Dragon Ball Z Syndrome. He calls EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Of his actions. CROUCHING TIGER STRIKE, IRON MONKEY FIST, STRIKING COBRA STRIKE, GOLDEN JAGUAR KICK, SWEEPING PANTHER STRIKE, ANGRY CROW TAKES FLIGHT, HORNY DOG HUMPS AIR... Yeah I made that last one up, but the rest he actually did/said.
He is going to get real annoying, real quick.
Name: Slade Wesker
Chosen Name: Darkhorse
This guy pissed me off the moment I saw him. Sunglasses, a black leather trenchcoat, black cowboy hat with little silver dangly things, openly carried revolvers and a KATANA. This man is a douchebag. According to him, he is serving Father because of some shit about wanting to kill his little brother. I do not CARE. His voice pissed me off too. Talked like he was trying to seduce me or something. He immediately went to a dark corner of the warehouse to brood or something.
Name: Elizabeth Ingle
Chosen Name: Dr. Menglina
Well Great. Two Days after I become a Doctor and we get ANOTHER Doctor. Granted this one did not STEAL her degree, but the issue stands. When she walked into the Warehouse I came to the realization that we had become Comic Book Villains. And here was perhaps the most generic Mad Scientist Archetype you could possibly imagine. Lab Coat, Rubber Gloves, Stethoscope, Goggles, messed up hair, bipolar with a tendency to laugh at random intervals, carrying syringes filled with FATHER knows what and a GODDAMN HACKSAW.  At this point, I gave up on the questions and just beckoned for her to stand with the others so I could take this horrific scene in.
Name: Casey McMullen
Chosen Name: Gleeman
I fucking hate clowns I FUCKING HATE CLOWNS I FUCKING HATE CLOWNS. With their painted on faces, creepy ass unnatural laughs and smiles... And now we have the spawn of Pennywise and GACY on our side. Freak of nature. All sorts of weird ass Clown tricks too. Shooting fire out of his ass and shit. Some seeming skill with throwing daggers. AND A GODDAMN CHAINSAW...
I am getting this bastard killed. Somehow. Maybe he will take a target with him.
Name : Tyrone Lincoln
Chosen Name: Baron Samedi
This guy actually made me remember something. That guy we used the Zombie Powder on in Jersey... Well we forgot to unbury him. Oops. I'm sure he is fine. But the good Baron is dressed like a cross between Dr. Facilier, and Jack Skellington. Claims to know all sorts of Voodoo stuff. At least he is not a clown. He does have a prior criminal record in the state we are in. Attempted Murder. Aside from the fact he looks about as trustworthy as Skeletor... He is not all THAT bad.
Name: Barash Raogrimm (I am DEAD Serious. Legally Changed in 2007... What the Fuck...)
Chosen Name: Angmar
We have a nerd dressed as a Ringwraith. A Fat bearded nerd. How is this man supposed to be helpful to Father's cause? He is a whiner, I can tell that just by looking at him. Does not know how to use that VERY DULL sword of his. If it was not for the fact he did not show too much surprise at seeing a dead body in here, I would think he is just a lost Roleplayer. But no. He legitamately wants to kill for Father. 
This is going to be a long week...
Name: Isabela Campos
Chosen Name: Brown Recluse
I am probably going to be referring to this woman as "Roid Rage" from now on. She is almost as giant as Crouching Tiger. Based on what little information I have, she was a disgraced Lucha Libre wrestler. Fresh from the insane asylum no doubt... She walked in here in full wrestler get-up with her own weird ass mask. Oh well. At least she seems competent at crushing things. More than can be said for the Bitch-King of Angmar over there.
So there you have it. Ten new suicidal lemmings to throw at the Unworthy. Sagey, lets make a deal. You come here and do your Satanic demon summoning shit to kill a few of these wackos, and I will not go burn Forgemaster's house down again like I planned to. Deal?


  1. ... Shitstar, I almost feel bad for you. Except for the fact that you're trying to murder people and all.
    This lot's almost enough to make you seem sane. Almost.

  2. I kind of want to spar Crouching Tiger. Anybody who shouts their fighting techniques is NOT using proper controlled breathing. Honestly, Martial Arts and Proxy-ism do NOT mix at all, so I doubt you'd get anyone beyond a certain level of skill. Could be interesting though.

    Look. That was Green Man's shtick. YES I figured it out. YES I could repeat it, but that's not my style. I'm more subtle.

    That said, I'm shipping you and Brown Recluse.

  3. You want him. Come get him. I won't stop you. In that case, we may make a quick stop back in Philly... Then I teach Firestarting 101 to these Morons. Angmar will be the kindling.
    Oh please Sagey. You know EXACTLY who all the Fanfics will be pairing me with. Like it or not... It is incredibly obvious. You are the Batman to my Joker. You... COMPLETE ME. Or some other creepy line like that.

  4. Oh, man. He has a point. CockrobinXBrown Recluse FOREVER

  5. Seriously?... this never happened in my country. Guess all those 'batos' easly broke into mindless servants before becoming agents...

    Or just didnt watch that much TV..

    An old friend of mine used to train Kung fu and achieve the same technic. Actually is more easy to control your breath once you get it. ..I also doubt it the first time he spoke with me about it..

  6. Hell, to think there's weirder guys then you out there. It boggles the mind.

    You all need a name though of some sort, for your team. Dr. Morningstar's Carnivale of Terror, perhaps? Or maybe The Freak Show?

    Doesn't matter, you just have fun with them recruits of yours.

  7. This seems like appropriate music to go along with those descriptions:


  8. THIS.


    Is why we are not taken seriously, ever.

  9. The Mad Ventriloquist does not see why people don't like clowns.

    And that is a lot of new people. How are they found. Does slender man send out fliers? Are there free towel giveaways? An open bar?

    If The Mad Ventriloquist wasn't a good guy now, he might be tempted by an open bar.

  10. ...This just furthers my belief that all proxies have a screw loose..And in this case, more than just a few.

  11. Maurice is correct. It is a sad state of affairs.

    I am fortunate, the craziest person I have to deal with is Ridley, and at least he only acts like a lunatic.

    Good luck with the new recruits, Morningstar. And do try to get rid of some of them if you can. Why the Master puts up with these people...


  12. This is truly sad. People like this really should not exist.

  13. It wasn't me the last person I brought to father was you. Also good news Father has taken care of Xavier for his disobedience he has been gutted and is hanging from a rather tall tree limb. The fool should have continued to do as he was ordered. If he hadn't come after me for "Stealing his kill" then he'd still be alive probably.

  14. Oh Hooray. What are you going to do now then Tensor?

  15. This is amazing. You may have the single greatest team of proxies in the world. It's like Slendy's goal is to create the quirkiest miniboss squad out there.

    This should be played wherever you go.


  16. Dunno Father hasn't given me any new orders. I suppose I can go around causing random mayhem and the like, but that's kinda your thing isn't it? Hey if one of those bastards dies fairly quick I could join the team, and then together we could show em how real proxies are supposed to be. I think Father might be playing a bit of a prank on you.

  17. @Omega: Whatever you say...
    @Tensor: Feel free to join up with us. I need all the help I can get. Jack in particular needs to be taught a lesson in restraint. Even I don't go around knifing anything that movies...

  18. Jonathan the Scarecrow seems very enjoyable.

    He is my favorite.

  19. All right I'm on my way. Tell them better straiten up otherwise I'll have to put them through the hellish training I went through.

  20. Wow. I ALMOST feel sorry for you. Too bad you're a murdering, fuck-faced, shitty excuse for a Proxy, or you might actually have gotten my sympathy. Have fun babysitting, Nurse Shitsack.

    Yeah, that's right. You're not even good enough to be a doctor. Fucking poser.

  21. Well well some one has their panties in a bunch don't they. You're just jealous that he is a doctor, and your not. Why don't you bring your sorry ass over here and say it to his face? Oh wait I know why! Its because your scared little man-child who has no balls.

    Yeah that's right no balls. You're not even good enough to be a man. Fucking child.

  22. Um, no. First of all, learn proper fucking grammar, you shit faced two-year-old. Secondly, doctors are the SHIT, and this motherfucking douche bag isn't. I'm more of a pilot, myself, and you sound like my fucking mother. No one insults anyone because they're jealous. You little kiss-ass Proxies really are morons, huh?

    And lastly, I'm not a fucking child. If you want to see something childish, look at your snotty bitch friend over here, the shitsack. Oh, and by the way, if you want me to come over there and kick you and your little back-up bitches' balls till they fall off, just give me an address. Just don't whine to me when everyone wonders why you sing like Justin fucking Beiber. Cunt.

  23. Hey hey hey. Take it outside kids. Or take it to your own blogs. No fighting in MY Comments.

  24. Why should I listen to a murderous pussy? I WOULD keep insulting you and your pathetic excuse for a coworker, but I'll cease, out of politeness and that fact that I'm tired as hell. And Nurse Shitsack, if you don't want people bitching on you, then maybe you should stop advertising how much of an asshole you are to the public.

    Good night. Hopefully, you'll die soon, and we can all really have a good night, knowing that clump of feces that calls itself a person has finally been scooped up and disposed of. Until then, we can only dream it might be tomorrow. Oh, and really quick, fuck you.

  25. Bitching AT me is fine. Bitching at other people in my comments is not fine. It is SO impolite and creates a hostile environment. Murderous I am, a Pussy I am not. Once you are done with your... Treasure Hunting? Is it? Come find me and I will show you how much of a "Pussy" I am.
    And seriously child, and I know you are a child because GOD knows only a child would use infantile language and insults, I will make you bleed. I will make you hurt. And Mommy won't save you. Because I've killed her too. It will just be you, alone in puddle of your own blood in a dark room when the Angel of Death claims you as his own, and takes you down to hell.
    Sleep Well Asshole.

  26. So Dr. Morningstar, any idea if any of them will come after me? After all, I AM killing most of your father's children.

  27. I'm late to the party, but may I just say that I can see why you're absolutely insane. You had to put up with these idiots? Seriously? This is the kind of help Slendy gets? Pathetic.