Saturday, June 18, 2011

I Love the Smell of Burnt Flesh in the Morning

Smells like... Bacon. I feel like bragging right now, so I will tell you exactly how the attack happened.
At around 12:10 AM we drove up to the mansion and found the gates open and the power out. Our insiders linked up with us and entered the Slendermobile. The night shift guards were slower to respond than expected. So we set one of the buildings inside the courtyard on fire. That woke them up. Upon rushing out to see what the hell is going on, I think they shit themselves. Then we shot them. Then ran over their corpses. The Sound was lovely. Like Rice Crispy Treats. Anyway. We spent the next few minutes burning the people dumb enough not to run, out of cover. After I was satisfied we killed most of them, we exited the Slendermobile.
Imagine it, if you will. Buildings set ablaze with smoke flying high in the night sky. The Fire's roar matched only by the wails of those not yet dead. On the ground is a man, shot and bleeding out with his legs crushed by a Metal Monstrosity. He weeps for his children, who he will never see again, he screams his wife's name in vain. Before being silenced by my boot.
We entered the Mansion proper, and began our search for Mr. Goldman. Strangely, no security made it into the building. Lots of Fancy looking things were adorning the walls, vases and other Rich People shit. Everything had a Tarot Card motif. We finally found Goldman on the fifth floor. Then began perhaps the strangest conversation I have ever had in my entire life
 Goldman: I've been waiting for you. Friends.
(He has possibly the strangest voice I have ever heard. Like a Robot or something)
Morningstar: HEY It's Goldboy. HI GOLDBOY.
Malacoda: What do you mean you were waiting for us?
G: Puppets of the Faceless Emperor. Do you know why you are to kill me?
MS: Because you are incredibly hideous and it would be doing the world a favor?
(He goes off on a tangent here about Humanity's Sin in disturbing the Loife (As he pronounces it) Cycle. I tuned him out. He is completely out of his mind.)
(Goldman then walked towards the window and opened it)
G: The Faceless Emperor will destroy mankind. He will destroy You. But he will not destroy me. Farewell friends.
He jumps out the window at this point. The funniest part is, the ground team found that he was still alive. Knocked out cold and with some broken bones. But alive.
We then decided to search the Mansion for anything we liked. Lots of shiny things, and believe me, I LOVE Shiny things. But there was this music box I found... Something about that melody speaks to my soul. Goldman won't be needing it anymore, that is for sure.
We also found Goldman's daughter hiding in a closet. Now we couldn't just leave the poor girl there alone, so we took her with us. We are going to make her one of us... Then she is going to perform that Rat torture I talked about earlier on her dear Daddy.
Once Goldboy is dead, I am getting the hell out of Canada. The Police are looking for us after the farm slaughter. My God I feel homesick.


  1. For once i must agree with you.
    Burning flesh smells fantastic.
    Thinking about this is making me hunger.

  2. I know right. I am slightly envious of the rats right now.

  3. Dude if your really a cannibal goddam.

    Have some standards. Jeezus.

  4. Bah. I kill people for a living. Why should I waste a perfectly good meal?

  5. I've heard human flesh tastes similar to pork.
    And that it's also pretty nutritious.

  6. Calling you a monster would be pretty much cliché by this point. Plus you know it and revel in it anyway, so it wouldn't matter much. It's just a senseless killing spree, but that's what you do best isn't it.

    And I've heard that human flesh tastes like chicken, but don't quote me on that.

  7. It may just be the way we cook it, but we have always thought it tastes like Tuna.