Thursday, June 30, 2011

Testing the Newbies: Part One

These Ten are meant to be in the same field as I am. Exterminating the Unworthy, unworthy that we have probably never met, and thus we know next to nothing about them. We cannot predict what they are going to do, we cannot say for certain how they think... And often times there are no Chosen nearby with knowledge to assist our efforts. This is a very difficult job and not many are cut out for it. That said, I have little hope that these idiots will be able make the cut. Thus I have devised a few tests for them. Also I am going to try VERY hard to remain professional during these descriptions. I am a Doctor after all.

Test I. The Ability to Kill

As you know, Killing is difficult for some (Some meaning Lily-Livered Spineless Cowards who think that life is precious or some such drivel). Seeing as how many people hesitate when called upon to pull the trigger, I have brought in Ten COMPLETELY random people to kill. Our Ten Trainees were all given guns. Here are the results.

Scarecrow: Mr. Laughton's assigned victim is a 53 year old man we found working in a soup kitchen (Maurice, so sorry if this was one of your friends). "The Master of Fear" spent a few seconds staring out of those idiotic holes in his bag at the Victim. Then he kicked the victim to the floor, and took a half glance at me. I would tell you what his expression was, but he is wearing a FUCKING BAG. WHY IS HE WEARING A FUCKING BAG IT LOOKS SO STUPID WHY IS HE WEARING IT... So he brings out the gun and gently caresses the old man's face with it. I told him to stop messing around, and he pulled the trigger. He did not seem particularly bothered after (Although he was not moving around so... Dramatically after that), so we assign him a Passing Score.

Terminator: Mr. Patrick's assigned victim was fellow Police Officer. It was a pain in the ass to kidnap him I might add. So imagine my annoyance when Garret simply shot him and went back to snorting Cocaine. At this point in time, I am forced to wonder why exactly Mr. Patrick wishes to serve Father. Garret showed no remorse, no hesitation and I doubt he even realized he shot a man. Sad what drugs do to you, eh? Passing Score.

Jack: Mr. Dolensky is obviously a killer. I wanted how far he would go. So I picked a 5 Year Old little girl. Golden Blonde hair in Pigtails. She was perfectly content in the little pink chair we got for her, snacking on a large piece of Candy. One of those big swirly sucker things I hate so much. Anyway, I understand that people have a hard time killing kids. Angmar actually blurted out "Dude she's just a kid!" when we brought her out. She looked up at Jack and smiled a big old smile. What did Jack do? He removed all the bullets from the gun, lovingly, one by one. Then he proceeded to club her over the head with it over and OVER and OVER again. He cracked that little twerp's head RIGHT OPEN. There was BLOOD and bits of skull laying around and he STILL wasn't finished. He broke that sucker and tried STABBING HER WITH IT. Needless to say, I am VERY pleased with this one. Passing Score.

Crouching Tiger: Mr. Ishikura was presented with an 89 year old woman. I held high hopes for Tiger after seeing Jack's glorious work. I was slightly disappointed. Without changing expressions, Tiger dropped the gun, walked behind the woman and screamed "CURIOUS OCTOPUS OPENS VALVE" before snapping the Hag's neck. I confess I have never seen that done outside of movies. Interesting sound, but it is too quick, for my tastes. Tiger then did the whole "Shut the eyes of the deceased" thing while muttering a... Prayer or something. Waste of time. Passing Score. Boring.

Darkhorse: Mr. Wesker was presented with one "Chris Grayson," a random hobo we found on the street who claims he could shatter boulders with his "fists of JUSTICE." Clearly this man must have been one of the candidates for Proxyhood. Anyway, true to douchebagish form, Slade is a show-off.  First he delivered an uppercut to Grayson, and then using the Katana he cut off the Hobo's head. He Promptly kicked it in the air and blew holes in it with the Revolvers. Both of them. At the same time. How many years has this man wasted learning this skill?  Does not matter I suppose. Passing Score.

Dr. Menglina: Dr. Ingle was presented with a 25 year old male we found wandering a College Campus. Drunk of course.  Dr. Ingle was lisenced medical professional. This gives her the added bonus of knowing how to kill a person in a very efficient manner. Right? Well she sure did not show it. She just sawed the bastard's head off. She actually stopped midway through to have a giggle fit. I suppose I am just being critical for the sake of being critical at this point. Because while I LOVED this performance, it shows a critical weakness of hers. She had to stop what she was doing to have a GIGGLE FIT. Maybe that's why she is not allowed to practice medicine. She was performing surgery on someone and then had a fucking giggle fit in the middle of it. Passing Score.

Gleeman: What drives a man to become the psychotic, horrific, malevolent, godless, demonic spawn of Satan known as a Clown? And what drives a Clown to murder in the name of God? Were I to guess, I would say... Children. So we brought in a skinny little orphan brat. Gleeman took one look at him and started laughing his unholy ass off. Did I mention he uses helium? AND DID I MENTION I HATE CLOWNS... Anyway. He tossed away our gun, and pulled out two revolvers. He started juggling them in front of the kid. The kid was squirming around and crying so I assume he has prior experience with people wielding guns. The Juggling went on for about... Oh... Three minutes. He never dropped the guns. Not once. Impressive. And Terrifying. So he finally stopped and pointed the gun at the kid. He pulled the trigger.... And a "BANG!" Flag came out. Gleeman started waving that flag around while laughing, and the Kid was sort of laughing along with him. Just as I was going to get the nerve to tell the Freak to shoot the kid, he pointed the Gun at the Kid and the FUCKING FLAG SHOT OUT INTO THE KID'S CHEST. The Kid fell over and the clown bent down and got right in his face, LAUGHING. Passing Score. And I need to change my pants now.

Baron Samedi: Mr. Lincoln was next, and I was not expecting much. He seemed more stable than most of the others so I expected a quick clean kill. Imagine my surprise when a GODDAMN SNAKE CRAWLED OUT OF HIS SLEEVE. Is it poisonous? I have no idea. The Victim is a 20 year old male we found wandering the streets. The Baron let his pet snake crawl over the victim for a minute or two.  (A Side note, I think Scarecrow is taking notes here. Master of Fear my ass.) So, Sammy pulled out a big ass knife and started stabbing the guy lightly chanting some bullshit in a language I do not understand. Passing Score. Snakes are awesome.

Angmar: Mr... "Raogrimm" HAHAHAHA... Sorry. Barash... No that is stupid too. How about... Barry. Yes... So, it was finally Barry's turn and we had something special for him. We scoured the city for about an hour before we found a 5'3 Man who we promptly dressed like Frodo Baggins.  We also spent some time making that Replica Sword of his into a REAL Sword. That can KILL people. As expected, Barry gave us some trouble. "Uh... So who is this guy?" Seriously. He asked who our random victim was. We sure as hell didn't know.  He walked up to the victim. OH. And the Victim, he noticed all the bloodstains on the ground... He was SHAKING like a leaf. It was so adorable. Crying and everything. So, Barry approached him, sword in hand. "Uh... Frodo, right? Shouldn't we... You know. Remove the mithril shirt?" CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY? HAHAHAHAHA. Stalling. Just to humor him, we took off the guy's shirt. Barry started visably sweating and going "I dunno man, I dunno man"... Then Jack yelled "DON'T BE A PUSSY!" at him. I love Jack so much sometimes. Malacoda starting banging on the table he was at chanting "KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!" and the rest of us (minus Darkhorse, Tiger and Terminator) joined in. Barry started breathing heavily, raised his sword above his head, gave a yell... And was met with screams of joy and shouts of congratulations at the Hobbit head rolled to the ground. For someone so fat, he is remarkably strong. Passing Score. (Also noticed Tiger put a hand on his shoulder when he rejoined the group. Such a nice guy. I am keeping this in mind for the next test.)

Brown Recluse:  RAGH. LADY-HULK SMASH! Which is exactly what happened. Ms. Campos was given a 24 year old man to kill. Without saying a word, she picked up the man, and the chair he was tied to and started smashing them into the ground. Over and over and over again. Then she started smacking him into the walls. Needless to say, he died. She then flexed and walked back to the others. This warehouse is being... Borrowed. It was white when we got here... Now it is Red. She is cleaning this mess up. All of it. Still, she got the job done so... Passing Score.

And that concludes Test 1. I am very proud of our new recruits. They are complete psychopaths. Tomorrow we shall see if they can pass the physical challenges I have for them. Then they shall have to pass the Combat Challenges... Then Tensor gets them. And I get the survivors. Oh What fun we shall have. 


  1. ...
    Not that I approve this but, I'm getting interested in dueling Darkhorse and Gleeman one day..

  2. Wait. You've got to be shitting me. I've MET Crouching Tiger. Son of a bitch! He was there during my missing 24 hours!

    At least now I know where I can find the prick.

  3. Why do things like this happen whenever I'm gone?
    Glad to see you've gotten some lackeys now Morningstar; do I have to fight them one by one before I get to kill you, or are you going to send them all out at once?
    Or, do we team up on Angmar (imagine the look of shock on his face!), and only then get around to fighting each other to the death?

  4. @Keiken: Feel Free to try.
    @Sagey: Do you now. I'll have to ask him about the nature of your encounter. For his sake I hope he punched you at least.
    @Arky: That all depends on whether I come visit you, or you come visit me. I still want that Bicycle by the way. Can't wait to kill you :)

  5. At least the fat nerd has somewhat of a conscience.

  6. Well uhm... That's a uhm... Interesting group of people you have there.

    Yeah... interesting is the word I'll used today.

  7. Monstrous. Absolutely monstrous...

  8. This is absolutely horrifying and you are an absolute monster. That said, I found Gleeman to be hilarious. And Darkhorse sparks my interest...

  9. I can't wait till my turn. You'll enjoy watching the squirm.

  10. So Dr. Morningstar, any idea if any of them will come after me? After all, I AM killing most of your father's children.

  11. @Clive: He will lose that conscience. Or die.
    @Tensor: Indeed. INDEED. This is going to be SO much FUN.
    @Liam: "Most" eh? By that I assume you mean one or two. Hehehehe. We may go after you sooner or later. For now we have... Bigger Fish to fry. And Gut. And Butcher. And all sorts of other unpleasant words.