Sunday, July 3, 2011

Testing the Newbies: Part Three

Contrary to popular belief, the "Tackle Fucking Everything" school of fighting is not especially popular among Chosen with more than half a brain.  Because we are up against some fairly dangerous people (Arkady, Mitch, Sagey etc), it is important that our brothers and sisters have the skills necessary... To defend themselves, and Father. Thus we have...
Test III. The Ability to Fight
We have tested the newbies in regards to their skill in hand-to-hand combat and combat with SIGNATURE weapons. Given that I myself know NOTHING of Martial Arts, I was simply making sure that our beloved little brothers and sisters are not limited to simply throwing random haymakers. Based on what I was SEEING, most of them can fight well enough. A Couple of them even know formal Martial Arts and could thus probably kick my ass in a fist-fight. But I don't do fist-fights do I? I use WEAPONS, and thus so should they. Needless to say, some of them are more adept at using weapons than others. Here were the results
Scarecrow: Tensor gave him Sickles to use in combat. He immediately started complaining that he deserved a SCYTHE made out of the BONES of the unworthy, with a blade forged from metal that has been cooled by the blood of the unworthy. Which sounds really frigging awesome I must admit. Still, this is probably Scarecrow's BEST performance yet. He proved competent in the use of Sharp things. Which is more than I can say for a LOT of people. As for hand-to-hand skills, he SAID he knew Crane Kung Fu or some shit. I somehow doubt what he was doing was Crane Kung Fu, or even a Martial Art. As I said last post, Angmar was volunteered to be the sparring partner for the other nine. (Which is why this post took an extra day to make. We had to keep waiting for him to wake up.) Well, Scarecrow failed to knock out Angmar, or even seriously wound him besides making him cry a bit and BITCH a lot. I doubt he could even beat someone with no fighting ability whatsoever. Like Arkady.

Terminator: Termy was given a Shotgun, and being an ex-cop, he appears to be proficient in it's use. I personally would have given him an M16 Assault Rifle, but this works just as well. He can shoot straight even while high as a kite. As for Martial Arts, he appears to know Krav Maga. At least that is what he says it is. I don't know Krav Maga from Akido or Sambo or all those other weird Asian words. It seemed fairly pragmatic though. Angmar was out cold in a few seconds. So we made Scarecrow spar instead. And he did not last any longer than Angmar. So we called over Tensor. And as expected she kicked the crap out of him. So I guess this makes him more useful than Scarecrow at least

Jack: Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack... I am disappointed Jack. I really am. He was given a Kukri from Tensor. He has no idea how to use the thing. He does not seem to comprehend the fact that the Kukri is made for SLASHING and not STABBING. Fortunately when we tested his aim by having him throw it, he was not too far off the target.  This means he can at least THROW the thing and hope to cause real damage. As for Martial Arts... He is roughly on par with Angmar. Haymakers and attempted Roundhouse Kicks. Angmar seemed almost RELIEVED when Jack started fighting him. He can at least stab things though, right? That is one upside to this nutcase.

Crouching Tiger: I was excited to see Tiger fight. He did not disappoint. He is really REALLY REALLY Good. Still has that unfortunate habit of shouting his attacks. The Good news is, he has a few fake out attacks. You know, where he says he is going to do one thing and then does something different. I am very proud of him. His skill with the tonfas Tensor gave him is likewise considerable. I do not want to be on his bad side. He shall be a valuable asset to our cause. (Yes I realize I am not describing his skills. This is intentional. Why give insight into our best fighter's fighting style?)

Darkhorse: Darkhorse has excellent aim despite wearing sunglasses all the time. Unfortunately he seems to be more occupied with showboating than actually shooting. He spent most of the testing session twirling his revolvers in every way possible. When we got around to the sword fighting bit, he proved to be competent at it. Not much else I can say about his weapon skills. He is good. As for Hand-to-Hand, much to my disappointment, he was at least as good as Terminator in... Whatever kind of fighting style he is using. Not as efficient as Termy though. He spent most of the "fight" standing in one place while Angmar tried to punch him. After Angmar went down, again, we sent in Terminator to spar with him. Termy lost, but at least he made Darkhorse actually move around a little. Bleh. So Darkhorse is competent. Moving on.

Dr. Menglina: Tensor gave the Doctor Scalpels to use. She got a little too excited with them however... During a break, Scarecrow came running out of a back room screaming about how Menglina was trying to dissect him. Yes... I suppose I should mention that a lot of the newbies keep waking up with mysterious cuts and shit. I wonder who was causing that. As for Hand-to-Hand... Well she sucks, to be perfectly honest. She had no idea what she was doing while beating up Angmar. It was all too obvious. She may end up being more trouble than she is worth.

Gleeman: Tensor chose Pies to be the Clown's... SIGNATURE weapon. Possibly a Joke on her part, but he did a damn good job killing the test subjects with it. First by smothering one guy with the Pie, then by beating a guy to death with the thing it was in. Really, weapons testing was a waste of time for Bozo. He has everything from Exploding Rubber Chickens to Poison Pies, to throwing knives, to a... Flamethrower? I am not sure what the hell he uses to set things on fire like he does. Not to mention the CHAINSAW and the spear-flag gun. The real question here in my mind was this: Without the weapons, could he put up a fight? Well the short answer is No and the longer one is Hell no. Angmar, no doubt having picked up a few tricks from the others, was giving him trouble. ANGMAR. Gave him trouble. The only noteworthy thing about the clown's hand-to-hand is that, despite his large belly, he is rather acrobatic.

Baron Samedi: Baron Sammy was given a blowgun with poison darts, and my GOD he has good aim with it. The poison in them presumably comes from the snake. Otherwise he must... Buy them off of E-Bay or something. A tiny sting and the victim dies a slow painful death. I fucking love Poison. Sammy also knows Capoeria which looks completely AWESOME, and according to wikipedia, is very bad-ass. Considering he was fighting Angmar however, I cannot say for certain how effective it is. He may also have played around too much with Angmar. Still though, I did not expect THIS from a guy who dressed like a witch doctor. We will be putting him on the front lines with Tiger from now on.

Angmar: Take a WILD Guess how effective this man is in combat with Tensor's Razor and his Sword. He is a fairly strong man, I'll give him that. But he is perhaps the worst fighter I have ever seen, and I have seen a LOT of bad fighters. (Examples include: Sagey, Mitch, and Ryuu). He is whiny, he is incompetent, and he cannot take a punch. Well. Now he probably can. But he couldn't before this. If by some miracle he survives Tensor's challenge, I am probably going to send him after some REALLY low priority, incompetent and non-threatening Unworthy. So... Elaine maybe. We'll see.

Brown Recluse:  Before we talk about how she is an able fighter, we must first discuss something I found out a short time ago. Recluse is in LOVE. In Love with a man she has never met and has only heard about in stories and seen in pictures. That man... Is Amalgamation Sage. Clearly she has poor taste in men. But I may head back up to the New Jersey area, just to get her to shut up about him. Provided she passes Tensor's challenge of course. As for her combat abilities. Well. It is fairly obvious she is very strong. Thus Tensor gave her a Sledgehammer (In Honor of the Fallen Rika. May you rest in peace in the arms of Father in Heaven). She is adept with a sledgehammer as anyone could be I think. She is very good at smashing things. As for her Hand-to-Hand abilities... Well I actually had to stop her from breaking Angmar in half. Amusing though it would have been.

And that Concludes MY tests. All that remains is the Challenge devised by Tensor. What this challenge is... I do not know. She will not tell me. Needless to say, I do not expect everyone to survive. HeheheheHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I will post the survivors list in a couple days. So we have enough time to clean up the inevitable mess and bury the bodies. Oh I cannot WAIT. We have a whole list of new targets to play with. I may even stop by to say hello to a few of you Unworthy along the way. Gotta wonder if Tensor will continue to accompany us. We'll see I suppose. I need to see a little more suffering, a little more pain a little more chaos. I cannot wait I cannot wait I CANNOT WAIT.


  1. I shall begin the test immediately. The course of the test will last about a week. From what I've seen out of this group I expect only three to survive. If any one of them decides to opt out then that person wont be getting the antidote for the poison I fed to them last night, and they will die by the end of the week. Oh and Morningstar I would like it if you would come along and help me supervise the test. You wanted to know what type of training I went through here is your chance to catch a glimpse, however you are forewarned that anything that you see must be sworn to secrecy as we wouldn't want our prey to know the top training methods of our expert assassins would we? As for my part I will post daily updates to let our readers know the status of our trainees giving them a very brief overview of the days events starting with today's.
    PS It would be awesome if I could continue being apart of this group. As long as Father has no objections that is.

  2. Maybe it would be best if we kept them in the dark about what events they have to go through. Or at the very least... What the hell am I saying. You probably already thought of that. I am hoping at least Four come out alive.
    And, I do not think father particularly cares if you stay with us or not. So feel free to tag along and help with the fun.

  3. Actually the fear of the events is part of the first section of the test, and will help me mold them into model soldiers for Father's army. I want them to wet themselves.

  4. i don't think anything i've done actually counts as fighting, y'know.

  5. ...It's cute how you think we're that easy to take down, twinkletwat.
    Also, it's been several days since I told you that you are a sick fuck, and under the circumstances, that seems fitting.
    Are you AWARE of how cartoonishly stupid your own antics are?

  6. @Haku-Chan: Exactly.
    @Elaine: I'm sorry Lainey, didn't you just get out of the Hospital? "Cartoonishly Stupid" are they? That may be so, but they are Loads of Fun. The most fun I have EVER had.

  7. The level of crack that your team smokes is on par with the mightiest drug-addicts I have ever met. Seeing as I went to an art school, that's pretty impressive.

  8. To be fair only one member on the team does coke. The rest are just highly mentally unstable people.

  9. MonkeyShit, I did, but by the time you find me and send someone to my door, I'll be good as new and pissed as hell. Go ahead. Try it. I'd love a fight at this point.

  10. Weren't you "good as new" when the mutt sent you to the Hospital in the first place Lainey? But if you are so eager for a fight, I think I could find the time to pay you a visit...

  11. Heh, doctor, doctor, called these people fighters? I could kill them all within mintues.

    Better rethink your game plan, pancakes.