Friday, April 1, 2011

In Celebration of the Holiday.

You know people, I have been reflecting on my various sins and... Well... I have determined that I am truly a monster. I have killed children in front of their parents, and then mocked the parents. I have sacrificed loyal soldiers to a demonic Casper. I drowned my own brother. I joined forces with a timeless child eating abomination and then had the nerve to complain when it subverted my free will and made me another in a long line of slaves. I burned an innocent man's house down and then attacked a demon summoning kung fu Harry Potter. I kicked a kitten. I caused the great video game crash of '83. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll. I delayed Duke Nukem Forever. I convinced Nickelodeon to cancel Invader Zim the first time. I voted for Obama. I hired Joel Schumacher to direct Batman & Robin. I convinced Joe Quesada to write One More Day. I was the one behind the 4kids dub of One Piece. I convinced Sam Raimi to only give Venom a few minutes of screen time. I gave George Lucas the idea for Jar Jar Binks. I collaborate with Uwe Boll. I co-authored My Immortal. I helped Twilight get published. Among other things.
Point is, I wish to repent for my sins. So I shall defect from He That Is. Because, you know, I can totally do that. FOR I KNOW THE IDENTITY OF ONLY ONE WHO CAN POSSIBLY DEFEAT THE SLENDER MAN. His coming was foretold by ancient mystics of Babble-On. He knows no fear or Pain. He is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. He is known and feared throughout the world! Women swoon, Men grow envious and God himself trembles at the mere THOUGHT of him. His name: Christopher Walken.


  1. -le gasp- the poor kitten! D:

    although i hardly think complaining about your free will being subverted is a sin, even if it was the result of an act of stupidity of the highest order. i mean, we all have regrets, right?

    happy april fool's day, Luke.

  2. "I convinced Nickelodeon to cancel Invader Zim the first time."


  3. It was always going to be Christopher Walken or Mr. Rogers. No two ways about it.

  4. Mr Morningstar.

    I require a short conversation with you.

    Preferably on my blog.

  5. If this isnt some sort of writing are one sick puppy.