You know people, I have been reflecting on my various sins and... Well... I have determined that I am truly a monster. I have killed children in front of their parents, and then mocked the parents. I have sacrificed loyal soldiers to a demonic Casper. I drowned my own brother. I joined forces with a timeless child eating abomination and then had the nerve to complain when it subverted my free will and made me another in a long line of slaves. I burned an innocent man's house down and then attacked a demon summoning kung fu Harry Potter. I kicked a kitten. I caused the great video game crash of '83. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll. I delayed Duke Nukem Forever. I convinced Nickelodeon to cancel Invader Zim the first time. I voted for Obama. I hired Joel Schumacher to direct Batman & Robin. I convinced Joe Quesada to write One More Day. I was the one behind the 4kids dub of One Piece. I convinced Sam Raimi to only give Venom a few minutes of screen time. I gave George Lucas the idea for Jar Jar Binks. I collaborate with Uwe Boll. I co-authored My Immortal. I helped Twilight get published. Among other things.
Point is, I wish to repent for my sins. So I shall defect from He That Is. Because, you know, I can totally do that. FOR I KNOW THE IDENTITY OF ONLY ONE WHO CAN POSSIBLY DEFEAT THE SLENDER MAN. His coming was foretold by ancient mystics of Babble-On. He knows no fear or Pain. He is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. He is known and feared throughout the world! Women swoon, Men grow envious and God himself trembles at the mere THOUGHT of him. His name: Christopher Walken.